Have I Changed For Good?

Have I Changed For Good? - Neha Bhulani, Bangalore

You ever wake up in the morning and your first thought is thank God you survived another night with all the heart pain. The hundred million things that went through your mind just a few hours back. Every little detail that you want to forget. Ever felt like you want to bang your head to the wall? The physical pain you feel when you can’t stop your thoughts from running in your mind. Ever felt that you weren’t good enough for anybody? Yes. We all have faced that once in our lifetime. I don’t even realise how unhappy I am. Every day is the same shit. Same people. Same routine. It’s just getting really old. I hate the way things are now. I used to be so happy. But now, I’m not. Not at all. And nobody even knows it. 3am, and it all comes back, I blame it on my playlist, I shouldn’t have played that goddamn song on loop, How will i make it to college tomorrow? I was too quite, or I was too loud. I take things too seriously, or not seriously at all. I’m too sensitive, or too cold-hearted. I hate with every fiber of my being, or love with every piece of my heart. It was either all or nothing. I wanted everything but settled for nothing.

I would never cheat on anyone. It’s the type of mistake and wrong doing I couldn’t live with. Knowing that you destroyed someone’s trust is bad, but destroying someone’s perspective on love is far worse. I lost my first love. Found another. Lost my true love. Couldn’t find myself again. I used to smoke cigarettes whenever I was alone and stressed. Once I met you, you told me it’ll kill me so I quit. But now that I’m here alone again, lighting up another cigarette, I realise that he is the one killing me. I was sober for 3 years. I gave up on everything that harmed me. Except him. It was hard for me to let go of him because there was a constant battle in my mind between wanting him to be happy and wanting to be the one to make him happy. It’s not as if I didn’t try. But somewhere between being who you needed and being who I needed, I became a stranger to us both. Sacrifice, that’s what we do for people we love. I lost myself trying to give you what you wanted.

And now, he loves her, I can tell. He looks at her the way i used to look at him. Do you miss me like the way I miss you? Have you ever remembered me in the middle of the night since we last saw each other? When people ask me, “Do you still love him?” I smile and say, “No.” I lie. My pillows would give you a more honest answer. I can’t count the times when I’ve stopped in the middle of the day and mentally pictured us in the past. Let’s just say, if a car was coming towards me, I wouldn’t scream, cry or run. I’d just stand there. There’s something about you I’m still scared to lose, because I know I won’t find it in anyone else. I know you aren’t with me anymore but promise me that you won’t get drunk on the diluted versions of love.

Now I’m altogether a different person. Now with different priorities. Now with a different mindset. Now, with very little love inside me. I don’t really care about anyone. All I care about is my own happiness because I’m tired of searching and waiting for something i can call home. I don’t want to be called pretty and convenient. I want to be called fierce and bold. Have I changed for good?

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